However, with that quickness came a sickness – spam (used to be the junk mail I tossed into the garbage can) and all the helpful advice.
This is my way of saying thanks for all the helpful advice I’ve received:
–Because of rat poop in the glue on envelopes, I now use a wet towel (or my cat’s tongue) with every envelope that needs sealing.
–I now scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
–I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
–I no longer eat a any fast-food chicken place because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
–I now longer eat fast-food hamburgers as their meat is nothing more than ground-up worms.
–I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
–I have learned that my prayers get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. (and I will get my answer within four hours)
–I longer drink a certain brand of cola because it can remove toilet stains and clean crud off car battery connections.
–I no longer use plastic wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
–I no longer boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face disfiguring me for life.
–I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with some deadly disease.
–I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
–I no longer talk to people as they may drug me and steal several of my vital organs.
–I no longer receive packages from any courier company since they are all actually terrorists in disguise.
–I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a gazillion dollar phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan or Seattle.
–I no longer have any sneakers, I sent them to a kid in Namibia – but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
–I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their $250 recipe.
–I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bottom. And I spray mine each time with bug spray just to make sure!
–I can live a better life now because Andy Rooney has told me how to fix everything.
–I don’t ever pick up $1.00 in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath a car to grab my leg.
–I can no longer drive my car because I can’t buy gas from certain oil companies on ceratain days.
–I took out a 2nd mortgage on my house, but I’ll be able to pay it off as soon as all the exciting stocks I received “private tips” about reach their full potential.
— I will have health insurance coverage for any condition known or un-known as soon as the 16 policies I purchased come to me.
— I no longer watch TV as people will send me the clips of the shows I miss and wanted to miss. And, I no longer have to go out to see people make idiots of themselves, the clips are available 24/7.
— I will share the 17 million I’m about to receive from the overseas government official trying to escape with a lot of money, with all my friends. (Yes, I know he only offered me 10% of it – but I’m greedy!)
–As soon as Bill Gates/AOL/Netscape and the others pay off for participating in their special e-mail tracking program, I will move all the money into an off-shore bank, which I will incorporate in Nevada.
–And my love life (sex life?) will certainly improve when all the cheap enhancement drugs I can order ONLY by e-mail arrive.
So, for now – I’m enjoying my cup of coffee and trying to decide on which overnight, no exercise weight loss drug I should order!