The New Year Begins With A Look Back ~ Late Evening Thoughts

This posting has gone through a number of trials and travails. I wasn’t even sure I would even write about it ~ however ~ I also wanted to end the new year with truth and begin the New Year with even more hope, joy and gratitude than I have now.

When I started this blog over a year ago, little did I know the road it would take and the road my life would take. For those of you who do not know, I have suffered for years from depression. What I never knew was the depth and severity of it. I never realized how insidious and deadly it could be. Even as I have read over old postings about the disease I have, I realize just how much I didn’t know about it, how little I really understood what was happening to me and just how seriously it would effect me.

I also realized as I re-read the postings, just how important my attitude and sense of humor would be to me me. And it certainly has.

In my case, not only was I in denial about what was going on, I was convincing those around me that everything was “just fine, thank you very much.” But I was NOT fine and my world had begun to crumble to leave me with absolutely nothing but the clothes on my back. There was no money, no place to stay and nothing to look forward to.

I’ve told about when my apartment mate came in and basically said: “I’ve not paid the rent, I’ve found a place and am moving tomorrow … have a good day.” I finally found a place to land while I tried to figure out what I was going to do. I moved from there into an apartment where I was completely on my own. I had no support system and basically nothing to look forward to or to plan on doing. That, and a couple of very poor choices I made about friends and a possible lover added to the already bubbling cauldron going on in my life.

When I was offered the job of managing the by-the-week apartments I was spiraling in many different and deadly ways. Of course, the fact that I later found out they were ultimate slumlords that didn’t care who was in the apartments as long as they paid the rent and would not release money for real maintenance only made me cling to what was going on with an even tighter grip. Of course, I continued writing the Complex Tales for the blog — all of which were true — but tried to hide the hole I was slipping into ~ the cliff I was falling down from everyone I knew ~ including myself (which by the way, is very very very dumb!)

Serious “stuff” follows … you have been warned…

Also at this point I had been “bending the elbow” with my boss quite regularly. Of course, I certainly didn’t have a problem with alcohol … of course not. Just the fact that once I started with just one … there were always a number more. And since the boss was paying for it AND paid for the cab to take me home ~ this is a problem ~ how? Also during this time I was sleeping about one hour per night (if that) but convincing myself and anyone who asked that I was just fine and sleeping a lot. I was now getting thrown the last 30 feet down the cliff – and was bouncing at the bottom…and no Dudley Doright to cushion the blow. Could it get worse? You bet.

This part gets a little hazy ~ perhaps all the details will come back someday, but I’m really not looking forward to it if they do. I was being complimented and “honored” for having the best collections of rent in the system. For several weeks my tenants owed nothing and a good number even had credit balances. This, of course, led to even more drinks after work with the boss and the eventual discovery that he was a cocaine-head. He actually was stupid enough to do it one afternoon at the very bar we had been drinking at ON the bar. Yes, he created his lines and did them. (the plural is very deliberate! And no, I did not do drugs at least nothing was illegal or required a prescription!

I also had basically stopped eating much and what I did eat usually came back up at some point (my mind should have been going “Ding! Ding! Danger!”) ~ I look back and realize that what was going on had actually been growing for some time, and that I “might” have known, but was in no shape to realize.

I think that on the 28th of August, I literally snapped and quit my job. Called my friend who managed one of the other properties and gave him my keys. I faxed my resignation into the main office. Now, if you think it was one of those big corporate offices (which they wanted everyone to think) it was only the Patriarch of the Family and three ladies who worked there. As I was living on the property, I had signed a contract that I was to be out of the apartment I was occupying (and in 2 1/2 months still hadn’t unpacked) within 72 hours. I had no plans, provisions or even a safety net that I could see or think of.

To be honest with everyone and true to myself … this is going to take more than one posting. Now that I have complete access to a computer I can truthfully say:

–more tomorrow night!

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