Slightly Over The Edge ~ Early Evening Thoughts

Honest – my mind has NOT checked out because of the coming holiday ~ But these two items have been on the back burner for so long, they were about to dry out . . . especially the X-Files Christmas story. It’s slightly over 500 words, but I’ll forgive them!

Signs Santa Doesn’t Like Your Kid

– 10 –
Kid’s letter to north pole comes back stamped, “Dream on, Chester!”
– 9 –
Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
– 8 –
Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling
– 7 –
By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts
– 6 –
Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.
– 5 –
Instead of “Naughty” or “Nice”, Santa has him on the dork list
– 4 –
Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee
– 3 –
First words when kid gets on his lap are, “Touch my beard and I’ll put the hurt on you.”
– 2 –
Labels on all your kid’s toys read “Straight from Craptown.”
– 1 –
Four words: “Off my lap, Tubby!”

(Source: Top Ten Lists from LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN)

The X-FILES Christmas Case
author unknown

“We’re too late! It’s already been here.”

“Mulder, I hope you know what you’re doing.”

“Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.”

“You really think someone’s been here?”

“Someone or some THING.”

“Mulder, over here – it’s a fruitcake.”

“Don’t touch it! Those things can be lethal.”

“It’s O.K. There’s a note attached: ‘Gonna find out who’s naughty and nice.'”

“It’s judging them, Scully. It’s making a list.”

“Who? What are you talking about?”

“Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.”

“But that’s legend, Mulder — a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely you don’t believe it?”

“Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive — and in a hurry.”

“It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained.”

“It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.”

“But why would they leave it milk and cookies?”

“Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding.”

“But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There’s no sign of forced entry.”

“Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.”

“Wait a minute, Mulder. If you’re saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down this chimney, you’re crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get down there.”

“But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions at once?”

“You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?”

“Exactly. Scully, I’ve never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white strips of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I’ll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father.”


“I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. IT KNEW THAT I WANTED A MR. POTATO HEAD!”

“I’m sorry, Mulder, but you’re asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you’re saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they’ll close the X-files.”

“Scully, listen to me: It knows when you’re sleeping. It knows when you’re awake.”

“But we have no proof.”

“Last year, on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red.”

“But that was a meteor shower.”

“Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo, in Washington, D.C. Nobody – not even the zookeeper – was told about it. The government doesn’t want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist the public will stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There’s too much at stake. They’ll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night.”

“Mulder, I –”

“Sh-h-h. Do you hear what I hear?”

“On the roof. It sounds like . . . a clatter.”

“The truth is up there. Let’s see what’s the matter.”

12 days of Christmas ~ What REALLY happened!! ~ Early Evening Thoughts

You won’t see this on a TV commercial – when gift-giving goes wrong – horribly wrong!!

The Twelve Days of Christmas ~
What Really Happened…

Letter sent on the first day of Christmas…

Miss Jennifer Masters
227 Aggar Avenue
Bigfork, Montana

December 14, 2000

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised.
With deepest love and devotion,

Letter mailed on the second day of Christmas…

Miss Jennifer Masters
227 Aggar Avenue
Bigfork, Montana

December 15, 2000

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,


Letter sent on the third day of Christmas…

Miss Jennifer Masters
227 Aggar Avenue
Bigfork, Montana

December 16, 2000

Dearest John:

Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity, Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you’ve been too kind.

Letter mailed on the fourth day of Christmas…

Miss Jennifer Masters
227 Aggar Avenue
Bigfork, Montana

December 17, 2000

Dear John,

Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful but don’t you think enough is enough. You’re being too romantic.

Letter mailed on the fifth day of Christmas…

Miss Jennifer Masters
227 Aggar Avenue
Bigfork, Montana

December 18, 2000

Dearest John:

What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings; one for every finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,

Letter mailed on the sixth day of Christmas…

Miss Jennifer Masters
227 Aggar Avenue
Bigfork, Montana

December 19, 2000

Dear John:

When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying on my front steps. So, you’re back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket.
Please stop.


Letter mailed on the seventh day of Christmas…

Miss Jennifer Masters
227 Aggar Avenue
Bigfork, Montana

December 20, 2000


What’s with you and those crazy birds? 7 swans a-swimming. What kind of terrible joke is this? There’s bird droppings and worse all over the house, and they never stop with the racket. I can’t sleep at night and I’m a nervous wreck. It’s not funny. So stop sending me all these birds!

Letter mailed by special delivery the eighth day of Christmas…

Miss Jennifer Masters
227 Aggar Avenue
Bigfork, Montana

December 21, 2000

O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do with 8 maids a-milking? It’s not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to bring their cows! There is crap all over the lawn and I can’t move in my own house.
Just lay off me,smart ass.


Letter mailed (return receipt requested) the ninth day of Christmas…

Miss Jennifer Masters
227 Aggar Avenue
Bigfork, Montana

December 22, 2000

Hey! Flushing Toilet for Brains,
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there’s 9 pipers playing. And boy, do they play. They’ve never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset, and they’re stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You’ll get yours,

Letter sent by overnight courier the tenth day of Christmas…

Miss Jennifer Masters
227 Aggar Avenue
Bigfork, Montana

December 23, 2000

You Rotten Sadist,
Now there’s 10 ladies dancing. I don’t know why I call those sluts ladies. They’ve been messing with those pipers all night long. Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got the diarrhea. My living room buried in soft cow pies. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this building shouldn’t be condemned.
I’m sicking the police on you.

One who means it.

Letter sent by telegram the eleventh day of Christmas…

Miss Jennifer Masters
227 Aggar Avenue
Bigfork, Montana

December 24, 2000

Listen! Loser,
What’s with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies. Some of them are considering filing sexual harassment charges against ME for having those #@$*() lords! Those pipers ran through the maids and I’m convinced are beginning to think about the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They’ve been trampled to death in the mayhem. I hope you’re satisfied,you rotten, vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy,

Letter hand delivered by a sheriff’s deputy the twelfth day of Christmas…

Law Offices
Badger, Bender and Cajole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois

December 25, 2000

Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Jennifer Masters. The destruction of the house, of course, was total. All future correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Masters at Happy Valley Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight.
Please note that under separate cover, the deputy who delivered this has a warrant for your arrest.

Wishing you the best for the holidays!
Badger, Bender and Cajole