Category Archives: Buddha

Dark Matter In Space and Life(coda) ~ Early Moring Thoughts

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As I had talked about “I” messages, and mentioned the use of what I was calling “directed” questions to try and effect change in someone ~ what I had not counted on was someone taking far more direct action. I had written that SE chose to believe that 1) things would always work against whatever was wanted, 2) that nothing could/would go the way they wanted and 3) anger is/was the only way to deal with the what was happening.

Earlier in the day SE had decided to “put someone in their place.” Unfortunately, the person being “put in place” made a very quick decision that was not something they were going to tolerate. SE had a very abrupt realization that there could be pain attached to taking anger out on someone ~ very abrupt and very painful.

You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.
–Buddha

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
–Buddha

I have spent a long time with SE today, which limited my on-line time. However, I can say – there was a positive result of it all, and I’ll return to the topic tomorrow night. (And SE has agreed that outside help is needed with the issues ~ which is one of the major results I wanted.)

Dark Matter In Space And Life ~ Early Morning Thoughts

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During the last three weeks, I have been dealing with something that has begun to really wear on me. There is someone that I have come to care/be concerned about very deeply that has made/is making choices that could possibly tear their life apart even more than it already is. This caused me to go back over a couple of posts that I did earlier about self-fulfilling prophecy and choices (I am a self-fulfilling prophecy and self-fulfilling anger).

Once again, there are quotes that laced those posts:

You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.
–Buddha

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
–Buddha

This person chose/chooses to believe that 1) things would always work against them, 2) that nothing could/would go their way and 3) anger is/was the only way to deal with the what was happening.

This is NOT saying that anger doesn’t have purpose and uses. When anger is held onto, nurtured and allowed to color everything, that it can override what is actually going on in life. Someone once compared our emotions to an investment. They can either pay dividends or they can be held onto until they become a liability causing a drain of all that can be healthy. And, unfortunately, holding on to that kind of anger hurts rather than helps. It can become not only foolish, but actually self-destructive.

Anger, someone once said, is valuable only as a short-term investment. It’s value sharply decreases the long it’s held onto. It also consumes a tremendous amount of energy – physical, emotional and spiritual.

However, here is where I’m standing at the moment. Exactly how can someone be told what the bitter anger, resentments and “persecution” is doing to them and to those around. How can you show someone – who can not see the examples around them – that things can and should be different.

—more on this tomorrow

–Blue Anger – http://www.jamiehulleyartsfund.org/art/blue.htm

Self-Fulfilling Anger ~ Early Morning Thoughts

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A fellow blogger once wrote that comments and emails are like drugs … we get some and then we want more!!! Today, when I got home there were two emails about my post yesterday about anger. Both brought up the same point … a valid point.

When I talked about becoming angry, not just irritated, but angry I was expressing what was going on within me. That feeling of almost rage about something. Now, there are times when anger is very appropriate, however – it’s where the anger is directed and what’s done with it that’s the important issue.

You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.
–Buddha

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
–Buddha

When I started having the problem of getting the delivery, I was irritated which then as the problem dragged on, became anger. Now, that anger was becoming something that was beginning to effect how I was viewing things around me. It was becoming the overriding emotion for the day. It actually was beginning to resemble a volcano, with hot lava about to erupt.

What made me work at changing was watching the man on the bus. His anger had reached such strength that nothing, no one was right, doing right or being right. And by that I do mean no one. It almost became laughable. People were getting on the bus too slowly, the lights should change faster and the rain needed to stop. He grumbled at a lady because her umbrella was wet and would get the floor wet…which it already was. The windshield wipers were too noisy. And his list was getting longer as time went on. That’s what I mean by his external behavior was beginning to mirror what I was feeling internally.

In the discussions with the company that was supposedly delivering the package, I was faced with choices. I could really “let-them-have-it” or try and figure out what was going on. When I got the final phone call last night attempting to get to the bottom of the issue, the person on the other end tried to place the blame where it wasn’t … on me. Again, I could have really vented – but I chose (this time) to simply stay where I felt I wanted to be. I stayed firm, but calm.

Today, the decision paid the benefit. There was another phone call this morning about the delivery. I’m sure the person calling was expecting a major problem…but within five minutes the issues had been completely resolved, the delivery DID arrive at the time it was supposed to AND I got a discount on the purchase price for the delay.

Now, I’m not some kind of Pollyanna that thinks that everything can be solved with calm words, sweet behavior. I KNOW better than that. What I don’t want to do, is become as that person on the bus – the kind of individual who thinks that everything is wrong, nothing and no one is right. That kind of behavior becomes almost a self-fulfilling prophecy…keep believing that, and soon that’s exactly what will happen. Once we cast someone or something/someone as the enemy everything is to be suspect and made to fit the preconceived ideas we have.

Anger is only a natural reaction; one of the mind’s ways of reacting to things that it perceives to be wrong. While anger can sometimes lead people to do shocking things,it can also be an instinct to show people that something isn’t right.

A number of years ago there was a book titled “Don’t Waste Your Sorrows,” but I would like to use the term “Don’t Waste Your Anger.” There are some things we should be angry about – injustice, hatred, bigotry (all kinds), deceit (any kind) and the list could go on. However, if the anger isn’t causing some kind of action, then to me it’s wasted.

— more tomorrow

Early Morning Thoughts ~ Poison to Medicine (finale)

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The spiritual journey does not consist in arriving at a new destination
where a person gains what he did not have
or becomes what he is not.
It consists in the dissipation of one’s own ignorance concerning one’s self and life
and the gradual growth of that understanding which begins the spiritual awakening.
The finding of God is a coming to one’s self.
– Aldous Huxley

When I started the several threads leading to this one, I knew that I had no choice but to be honest, open and forth-coming. For some, perhaps, that honesty was a little TMI (too much information). Others might have felt they intruded on something that should have remained private. But in order to get here I had to go there. It was important to show what I’d learned in order to share with some kind of reality and truth.

That same dayn(several years ago) I called my boss and asked him to come see me at the apartment. When he arrived I told him basically everything that had happened and what had been going on. I fully expected to be fired. He thought for a moment, and then made a comment that has stayed with me. “To me, this as if you told me you had cancer – or some other disease. We need to work with you until you are back to who you are.”

There was one of the major keys: I had to get hold of the Aldous Huxley quote that I’ve been posting over and over .. I wasn’t going to have to gain what I didn’t already have or become something I wasn’t already. I had within me what I needed – as do you. What I needed to do was find it. It wasn’t a case of “cleaning-up” and becoming something or someone else, it was a case of getting back to who I was – becoming who I was. I didn’t have lose myself in the process – I was going to find myself.

In simple terms, I had been trying to change myself. I had become a chameleon – changing to match the background, foreground – or any ground that anyone wanted me to be. This, of course, was particularly true with ZZ as I wanted something that actually wasn’t there and would never be there. (I know, never say never – but in this case …) I used to tell people that were having problems at work that in effect, the company has “rented” your behavior for the time you are there. Perhaps you’re a great opera singer with an excellent voice. The company you are working for is a library and you are the librarian. While you are at work, belting out major arias would not only be disruptive, but would probably get you fired. So, you adopt the librarian behavior at work. That does not mean you have changed – or become what you are not. You are being paid for that behavior. Where I went wrong, was I had changed my entire focus into changing what I was – rather than adapting to the situation as it really was, seeing it for what it was.

Now perhaps you think I’m advocating dishonesty. Not in the least. What I am
advocating is honesty in relationship, with self and with those around. Was there honesty in the relationship with ZZ? Basically no, it was based on an untruth on both sides. And I fell into the trap of trying to make something work that dishonesty had doomed from the beginning. And in the process had tried to doom me as well.

The hope that is within each of us needs to be based on who we ARE not what people think we need to be. And as I became more content with who I am, people saw me and can see the me I want them to see. Of course, as in the librarian example, there are times of adaptation. But it’s an adaptation, not an attempt at a life style or fantasy.

So, the poison became the medicine and I’m on my life journey to where I want to be … where I need to be.

Remember you’ve got a choice.
When you feel you can’t handle something,
you can either choose to feel miserable and helpless,
or maybe put your life in someone else’s hands to sort out – if they can be bothered.
Or you can decide to take charge ,
take full responsibility for whatever is happening,
even if none of it seems to be your fault,
and decide to turn poison into medicine.
– Geoff from the book, “The Buddha, Geoff and Me“

Honesty plant painting by Roger Beckwaith ww.btintnernet.com

Early Morning Thoughts ~ Poison to Medicine (part 3)

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“take full responsibility for whatever is happening,
even if none of it seems to be your fault,
and decide to turn poison into medicine.
– Geoff from the book, “The Buddha, Geoff and Me“

When I began to write about ZZ and the “dark night of the soul” decision I made, the words did and have not come easily. There has always been concern about being misunderstood, or simply dismissed as being a “drama queen.” As this is a personal account, it can be taken as such. Perhaps you have faced something similar. If you haven’t, as I said last night, be very thankful.

When I made my final decision to end it all, for so long I felt as if I had been locked in a box. That there was no key to the lid, and I was literally quite finished … as a older gay individual, an older human being and as something of worth. None of those were correct assumptions, but to me at the time, they were not only valid, but universal truths. I had chipped away at what I was for so long – there were serious cracks in the marble of my foundation. I knew in my heart of hearts that what I wanted from ZZ was never going to be – couldn’t be. I knew that I had given away too much, that I had run dry of what to give for basically nothing in return. I only knew that my vision was faulty, but I hadn’t come to the realization (yet) that I was not seeing him as he was – only as I wanted him to be.

So – the time had come. I was manager of a small apartment complex, and it was easy to decide upon the place. A downstairs, empty apartment. I actually did write a letter, being vague and careful. I chose the candles, the necessary piece of equipment, the pills to dull the pain, and the applesauce to sooth the stomach. I
made my way down the stairs of my apartment (I lived on-site) and into the empty one. I taped the letter to the inside of the door, and went into the bathroom. Lighting the candles, and laying out what I had brought. I arranged everything very attractively – again the gay in me.

I climbed into the tub, and stretched out and prepared. Well, as much as one can prepare for that. This is something I can’t prove, but you can’t disprove – I believe that most of us in those moments have a moment when the mind can “snap-to” and we can see something for what it is. It certainly happened to me. There was no earth shaking, no wind,no thunder or lightning. No booming voice spoke from the ceiling (which did need to be repainted), nor was there a knock at the door to interrupt. What came to me was the entire situation that I was planning and setting up. I realized that it was as empty and futile as I had been feeling. This was not going to solve anything or make anything better.

There was a realization that I was about to embark on the most selfish, thoughtless act I could have done. You may think that I had lost my mind (well, OK – maybe I did) at what happened next, but I began to chuckle. As I looked around at the seedy stage set I had put together, I saw it for what it was. Nothing that could help, nothing that would solve anything. I was actually heading to do nothing more than validate what I had been erroneously thinking. And then I began to cry. Three people came to my mind that I had not thought about during all the preparation and downward spiral. I realized that to these people I had some worth, and they had worth to me.

I climbed out of the tub (not the most comfortable place) and blew out the candle. I took the note off the door(which needed to be thoroughly cleaned), and went upstairs. ZZ (who was a bartender from 8pm – 3am) was surprisingly awake. I sat down and told him what I had almost done. His reaction neither surprised me nor helped.


The spiritual journey does not consist in arriving at a new destination
where a person gains what he did not have
or becomes what he is not.
It consists in the dissipation of one’s own ignorance concerning one’s self and life
and the gradual growth of that understanding which begins the spiritual awakening.
The finding of God is a coming to one’s self.
– Aldous Huxley

Tomorrow morning: how the poison has turned into medicine

the locker picture from http://www.amnesty.de
design:Agency Publicis Frankfurt

Early Morning Thoughts ~ Poison to Medicine (part 2)

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Remember you’ve got a choice.
When you feel you can’t handle something,
you can either choose to feel miserable and helpless,
or maybe put your life in someone else’s hands to sort out – if they can be bothered.
Or you can decide to take charge ,
take full responsibility for whatever is happening,
even if none of it seems to be your fault,
and decide to turn poison into medicine.
– Geoff from the book, “The Buddha, Geoff and Me“

When I started telling my story about ZZ I wasn’t sure where it would lead. I mean, I knew the story and the outcome; I was just not sure whether the story in public would end in a moral quagmire or some kind of reasonable moral outcome. This is not going to be one of those “stand up and cheer” at the outcome kind of stories, but hopefully I can reach out and let someone/anyone know that it IS possible to overcome. That no matter what is going on – and believe me I had a LOT going on – it is possible to turn poison into medicine.

As I continued to give up all that I was in a vain fantasy about what ZZ could/would be, I placed my very self in danger. I had begun to chip away at my core values. I firmly believe that these values are so deep and so much a part of our very make-up that they are what can pull us out of situations that otherwise might wipe us away.

As I kept trying to be everything ZZ wanted – what he wanted seemed to change. I was acting unaware of those changes, but continued to see him not as he was – but as I wanted him to be, as I wanted to see him.

And why not? He had what he wanted. I was there and doing as much as possible to make everything work. To make it as comfortable and peaceful as possible. Inside, my war was raging without any sign of an armistice, but he could go forth confident that all was well. That all was operating under his control.

And there was another key – control. By giving up of myself, my inner being, dreams and hopes (of the real kind) I was also giving up control. And, as usually happens, it all came crashing down…not once, but twice. The first was more of a farce. The second was the most real, frightening and horrifying moment I have had to face. Period. Because I had entered what I call the “dark night of the soul” I felt that I had to take measures that I did not have the privilege to take. I was convinced that I had reached a stage where there was nothing left but to leave it all. I made my plan very carefully … oh yes, and very theatrically. Let me just say it involved not only the how – but the where and what it would look like. I guess being gay there had to be candles involved, and they were…set decoration, you know.

I had nothing left (or so I thought) and it seemed no where to turn. I had begun to become somewhat isolated and cut off from people. I didn’t go out much, and didn’t mingle that much when I did go out. I had lost my love of music, reading, people and theater in all forms. And why? For the reason that I had allowed:

1) Who/what I was to him was based on a lie of his choosing and my own accommodation of that lie,
2) I was trying to be what I was not and
3) I was giving up myself piece by piece – belief by belief. I also
4) was hiding my own lies about feelings, beliefs, dreams and hopes.
— from Saturday’s Early Morning Thoughts ~

If you have never been there – I mean seriously been there – be thankful. If you have been there in that dark night of the soul, then you know what I am sharing.

I want to be very careful that I do not leave the impression that I am laying everything at ZZ’s feet. That is not the point of this series of postings. I can and will discuss at some point the what’s and the how’s…but the important thing that seems to press upon me is to make sure that it is very clear — I was the one responsible for my choices. From the beginning of the relationship (non-physical as it was) I set the pattern in motion, and refused to allow it to stop.

And when it had to stop, I was at literally the psychological bottom. The moment was set, and the candles were lit. I was where I wanted to be, and where I was sure I would not be interrupted, or for that matter found for … well, long enough.

I’ve lost animals, friends and relatives through death – but this was losing me … even though I didn’t think there was anything left, I was to discover that there was.

more tomorrow

Early Morning Thoughts ~ Truth or ? (part 6)

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As I’ve been dealing with truth in areas of my life, I’ve been drawn again and again to the power of living in truth. And with that power comes freedom. And that freedom becomes what can break the bondage that makes us unable to be who we need to be.

Change should be a friend. It should happen by plan, not by accident.
–Philip Crosby, Reflections on Quality

It’s not your blue blood, your pedigree or your college degree. It’s what you do with your life that counts.
–Millard Fuller

We compound our suffering by victimizing each other.
–Athol Fugard

When we discover that the truth is already in us, we are all at once our original selves.
–Dogen

I prepared excitedly for my departure, as if this journey had a mysterious significance. I had decided to change my mode of life. “’til now,” I told myself, “you have only seen the shadow and been well content with it; now, I am going to lead you into the substance.”
–Nikos Kazantzakis, Zorba the Greek

The thought manifests as the word;
The word manifests as the deed;
The deed develops into habit;
And habit hardens into character.
So watch the thought and its ways with care,
And let it spring from love
Born out of concern for all beings.
–The Buddha


Do not think of your faults, still less of others’ faults; look for what is good and strong, and try to imitate it. Your faults will drop off, like dead leaves, when their time comes.
–John Ruskin

Truth is eternal, knowledge is changeable. It is disastrous to confuse them.
–Madeleine L’Engle, An Acceptable Time

The art of being yourself at your best is the art of unfolding your personality into the person you want to be. . . . Be gentle with yourself, learn to love yourself, to forgive yourself, for only as we have the right attitude toward ourselves can we have the right attitude toward others.
–Wilfred Peterson, This Week (Oct. 1, 1961)

Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.
–James Arthur Baldwin,playwright and novelist

The photos were ads made for the Philippine Daily Inquirer in the Philippines.
The ads were made by Dan Matutina from Idea!s, a nonstock nonprofit communications/design shop for nonprofits and development organizations.