Category Archives: identity

Go Into The Light ~ Early Morning Thoughts

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When people aren’t engaging my interest, I get some of my best thinking done on the bus (also in the shower, but that’s for a later post). I’m not sure why, but while traveling along the streets and areas I know quite well, I can let my mind run down all sorts of interesting “pig” trails and byways. Today I was looking back over events of the last four weeks, the last week and the last 24 hours. It was then I realized that I was really looking at what I wanted to call “defining moments.”

Sometimes the phrase is used politically or socially, but I realized I was looking at it from a very personal point of view. Some of the moments have passed, but I also realized I was going to be dealing with defining moments yet to come. This allowed my mind to move toward another term that can be part of defining moments: epiphany.

Epiphany (feeling), a realization or comprehension of the essence or meaning of something or someone
or to be more dictionary about it ~
e·piph·a·ny ĭ-pĭf’ə-nē)n.
1. Epiphany

3. A sudden manifestation of the essence or meaning of something.
4. A comprehension or perception of reality by means of a sudden intuitive realization:

“I experienced an epiphany, a spiritual flash that would change the way I viewed myself“
–Frank Maier

Creativity is an instant — a moment when our lives are defined. It’s the moment we touch each other’s lives. And our response to that tiny passing event doesn’t change just us. It changes the world we live in at the same time.
–John Lienhard
The Engines of Our Ingenuity

If only there were a longer time between epiphany and epitaph
–David Glaser

Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we experience life and the world.
— John Milton

It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the ones most responsive to change.
–Charles Darwin

Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.
–Jim Horning

In a moment of decision the best thing you can do is the right thing. The worst thing you can do is nothing.
–Theodore Roosevelt

Part of discovering who you are and what you are capable of requires you to reflect upon some of the key moments from your past. We all have experienced “defining moments.” Those moments that define who you are and what you stand for. Those moments that help you create clarity about your life purpose and your life values. Sometimes those moments are in response to life’s challenges. It’s when you rise to the occasion. It’s when you become the person you always wanted to be.
–Mark Susnow

We are a way for the cosmos to know itself”
–Carl Sagan

Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you.
–Oscar Wilde

See I’m a dreamer, man, and when I was a cook I’d always work with people who weren’t dreamers. Like, I was cooking at this restaurant and I put a hot dog on the grill and my kitchen manager came over, and he said, “Mitch, put the hot dog up here, in the right hand corner of the grill, so in case you get a whole bunch of orders at once you have all this space available.” See that’s how I knew he wasn’t a dreamer, ’cause the day I give up my dreams is the day I have strategic grill locations. A dreamer has a philosophy: the entire grill is hot!
–Mitch Hedberg

When You Least Expect It (2) ~ Early Morning Thoughts

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Continuing on from last night’s post ~

Surprised With Joy –
(apologies or thank you to C. S. Lewis)-continued-

Last night I wrote about how I asked Toby after several meetings if we were dating. As I said, I was horrified as soon as the question came out of me. I didn’t need to worry. He looked at me and without hesitation said: “We keep making arrangements to meet and neither of us cancel or skip them, so yes – I’d say we are dating.” Of course, the fact that he winked at me and slightly stuck out his tongue – only underscored the seriousness of the conversation.

But The Luggage Tag Says (5)

On the 27th I wrote about ~ “Fantasy travel: A very weak color, which leads away from the bright color of reality.”

“I’ve written before about my non-relationship relationship with ZZ. This is probably the most personal of the false expectations trap. Not only did I have false expectations,. . . ” but I was convinced that I could turn everything into reality – by sheer force of will if necessary.

“I was so sure that everything was going to turn out as I expected and desired, I literally decorated my luggage of life with various tags – the one of fantasy travel being quite prominent. And for an incredible number of years, I clung tightly to that tag – believing that ZZ would change, that our entire lives would change. And it never happened. But, of course, I had invested to much into the false itinerary, I became overwhelmed by the idea of making it a reality and making the journey fit what I felt it should be. And long the journey, I lost myself. I fell into several major traps because my expectations were not grounded for flight school as they should have been.“

In the book “The Wizard of Oz” – the citizens wore glasses that created the delightful colors of the city. The emerald color was a fantasy. Without the glasses that everyone entering the city was required to wear it was a dull gray almost lifeless set of buildings.

Which is in a sense looking at the world through rose-colored-glasses.

“Some unfortunate people never take their rose-colored glasses off, but everyone wears these spectacles occasionally. This attitude of cheerful optimism, of seeing everything in an attractive, pleasant light, has always been with us, while the expression itself goes back to at least 1861, when it is first recorded in ‘Tom Brown at Oxford’: ‘Oxford was a sort of Utopia to the Captain.He continued to behold towers, and quadrangles, and chapels, through rose-colored glasses.“
–From the “Encyclopedia of Word and Phrase Origins”
by Robert Hendrickson
(Facts on File, New York, 1997)

Some of those around me have expressed concern about Toby which is more an expression of concern about me. And I can accept that. After all, I’ve written about things in the luggage cars behind me where I’ve been wearing colored glasses or decided that what wasn’t going to be – would be. And believe me, there are other stories that I will share as time goes on. However:

Little Did I Know –

That there would such interesting differences this time around. I seem to have misplaced most of the emerald/rose colored glasses. Perhaps I’ve misplaced them somewhere around – but it’s giving me quite a different outlook on what’s going on around me. Toby seems to have some faults. (as if I don’t?) And there are a couple of them that are quite serious. One of the most major faults he is overcoming, and as long as he’s willing to work on it – I am going to be able to help. I can not change anyone, but I can help support someone in the process of changing. And how do I know he wants to make that change?

Shortly after the dating discussion, he said that he wanted to “mark” me as being part of his life. I will admit that the first image that flashed through my mind was from the movie from several years ago where someone lived near wolves and just as they did – he “marked” his territory. (So never going to happen!) Thankfully, Toby doesn’t take long pauses when he talks, so the image didn’t have long to stay around. He handed me something to wear. Something simple – but with meaning to him. I thought for a bit, and agreed. It was not a couple of days later that he had a serious setback with something he was overcoming.

Several things (once I seriously thought about it) impressed me. The first thing that impressed me was the honesty to tell me. The second one – he wanted to meet to talk about what had happened. There was no attempt to cover-up, and he wanted a discussion to openly share. I agreed, but was not wearing what he’d given me. I explained to him, that wearing it was a commitment to where we were in the dating situation and the commitment had to go both ways. After two very serious talks, I started wearing it again. And he put together support options.

I seem to have misplaced my “fixer” mentality. I didn’t immediately try and make everything right, proper and lose any “oil” in the process. I also made a decision that I was going to “wait and see” how this played out before either getting back into what was going on or dropping the entire package with little or no chance of redelivery.

I’m basically relaxed in what’s going on with “us.” (I have a little trouble typing that word right now – but that no doubt will change.) I’m not looking at picket fences nor am I waiting for the “other-shoe-to-drop.” Things are very much in the “now” and not “what could/would be.” Which for this traveler could be considered quite a feat. (I think a few of the baggage cars have been removed from my train.)

I seem to have lost my expectation “maps” of territories that haven’t been explored yet. Certainly I’m not stating that I’ve turned off my mind and am simply floating down the river of whatever is happening. However, I’m much more willing to allow things to happen in their own natural rhythm instead of becoming a Koyto Drummer and demanding my expectations to be met on my timetable.

And little did I know, I agree even more with the quote Nodrin King (from A Flat With A View) shared with me:

“Happiness is not something that someone else, like a lover, can give to us. We have to achieve it for ourselves. And the only way to do so is by developing our character and capacity as human beings; by fully maximizing our potential … What is important now is to work hard at developing yourselves into truly wonderful human beings. Ultimately, the relationships you form are a reflection of your own state of life.“

And lastly – the poem I posted the other night, will perhaps make even more sense now …

I will stand where I have not stood before.
I will live in a way I have not lived before.

The way may not be always clear,
open,
direct or
completely visible –

However –
I will stand where I have not stood before.
I will live in a way I have not lived before.
–wd

It will always amaze me how things happen when I least expect them.

–dating carrots by Martha Mickles
http://www.usm.maine.edu/art/alumni/alumnishow/pages/Martha Mickels, Dating.htm

But The Luggage Tag Says (3)~ Early Morning Thoughts

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In my last post, I mentioned that at one point I was working for a resident theater company. I had directed several productions while there and they were very successful (even award winning). There was a script that had been around for several years. Each year it would be considered and for various reasons not included in the season. It was a play with a delightful premise and was quite amusing as well. I finally prevailed in committee and the play was added and I was to direct it. As a premier (premiere?) I was sure that there would be no problems with either the script, casting or production. Quoting from the last post:

“I spent a tremendous amount of time with the script – many meetings with designers and such, and would then plunge off into what I expected the production to be like and look like. (are you paying attention to the pronouns and expectations here?) Rehearsals went quite well, and I was quiet pleased with the result. There were a few nagging questions from various people associated with the theater, but I was convinced the final result would answer all doubters. The show had spectacle, humor, tenseness, drama and a happy ending. I had even added a number of abstract moments in the show (something that was only hinted at in the script) and expected that the audience would enjoy and follow along with them.”

I was sure that my expectations were going to be fulfilled the way I intended. There would be amazing reactions from all concerned. There were reactions, to be sure. However, they were not what I intended nor, in some cases, wanted. I ran headlong into the wall of expecting answers according to my expectations. While not a failure, it was not a success either.

I’ve written before about my non-relationship relationship with ZZ. This is probably the most personal of the false expectations trap. Not only did I have false expectations, but I had various people at various times point out that my expectations were false and that I was headed for serious problems. But along with the false expectation I had added yet another luggage tag:

2) Fantasy travel: A very weak color, which leads away from the bright color of reality.

I was so sure that everything was going to turn out as I expected and desired, I literally decorated my luggage of life with various tags – the one of fantasy travel being quite prominent. And for an incredible number of years, I clung tightly to that tag – believing that ZZ would change, that our entire lives would change. And it never happened. But, of course, I had invested to much into the false itinerary, I became overwhelmed by the idea of making it a reality and making the journey fit what I felt it should be. And long the journey, I lost myself. I fell into several major traps because my expectations were not grounded for flight school as they should have been.

My identity is not a by-product of activity.

Even at my … ahem … age, life can be quite full of activity. But none of these defines who I am, and what journey I’m taking. I can be going and doing various tasks all day and sometimes into the evening, but these are simply tasks – things to accomplish. None of these are really who I am.

My identity is not a by-product of relationship.

I learned this painfully with ZZ. And, of course, still have to have an occasional refresher course as my journey continues. That’s why the quote that a fellow blogger Nodrin King left me is so powerful and true. I have to develop who I am. I have to take the journey of finding myself and becoming comfortable with myself. And as the quote puts it at the end – My relationships can be a by-product of how I view my identity and myself.

“Happiness is not something that someone else, like a lover, can give to us. We have to achieve it for ourselves. And the only way to do so is by developing our character and capacity as human beings; by fully maximizing our potential … What is important now is to work hard at developing yourselves into truly wonderful human beings. Ultimately, the relationships you form are a reflection of your own state of life.”

–more on all this later