Jesse ~ The End Of A Journey …

You won’t see it on the news…or read it in the paper. I wish I could put up a billboard to express all that I am feeling this morning.

From Two Lucky ….


“I love you.”

Jesse died this morning at 1.30am at the Beth Israel Medical Center in New York.

He was with me, and his mother, and died peacefully in his sleep.

Jesse has been battling melanoma for the last three years. He was a real fighter. Even at the end, he didn’t want to go home, and instead asked the doctors if he could stay a few more days to get well.

Love kept Jesse going for as long as it could. In these short years, we made the best of it. The more virulent the cancer spread, the stronger we loved.

His last words were: “I love you,” and he blew me two kisses before falling asleep.

Our love was extraordinary in the face of adversity. He is my hero, and will always be loved.

Two funerals are being planned. The first, a graveside service, will be held in Lovettsville, Va, next Thursday, where he was born.

The second, a memorial service in New York, will be held shortly after.

Details of services to come.

Jesse – I Begin To Say Farewell ~ Late Night Thoughts

I have been writing about and following “Two Lucky (people)” for some time now. During that time, I have been blessed to learn about Yen and Jesse and their incredible love for each other. It’s a love that has been through a lot … but as I have said before – it’s a love that totally demonstrates the power of love as a choice. It also is a love that demonstrates the vows that are so often said at weddings – for richer or poorer, for better or worse, in sickness or in health …

Those short phrases, packed with meaning. Those short phrases packed with truth.

Through everything that’s been going on they both has believed, hoped and trusted. But through it all their love has never wavered.

Jesse had been taking treatments – some of which were quite toxic, but even those had to come to an end.

His prognosis, simply, is that the tumors in Jesse’s liver are growing too quickly.

“You’re carrying too much disease. Must be 10lbs in there,” he said.

But even through the sorrow of that moment, the hope/love shone through.

I cried hard today in the town car on the way back from the hospital. It did not last long, probably for less than a minute. The tears stopped as suddenly as they had come. It happened soon after we got into the car, when Jesse took my hand and said to me: “I am so happy to be with you.”

And I can admit that I wept as well. I didn’t have someone to hold my hand and tell me anything. But eventually, I went back to what had been written – and dried my tears and continued.

Yen himself began to realize what seemed to be coming. He was walking down the street and saw a film crew working on a new movie.

“As the crowd grew, I walked away. I thought about Jesse. Thereupon, I wondered if one day later this year, or the next, I would find myself in a darkened cinema, waiting for the same scene to come on, with my hand on the empty seat next to mine.

And then on the 29th of April … the doctor brought those vows full circle:

…For better or worse, For richer or poorer,
In sickness AND in health:
‘Till death do us part …

“I was told today that Jesse has only three to four more weeks left to live. When the doctors pulled me aside (”May I speak with you in private?”), I already knew….

My reaction was visceral, in spite of fore-knowledge, and unexpected in that regard. I sat in the toilet and cried. For the first time, in a very long time, I believed I would not be whole again. I felt my insides wrenched from me. I howled. I was also confused, which only proves how one, notwithstanding one’s intelligence, can reject logic in the face of grief.

Even though I already knew the answer, I kept asking myself: Can this really be true?

The last several days as I took time to look at all I have known about Yen and Jesse – and all I have been blessed to have shared of their lives, I realized that the depth of their love as shown in the writings has, in a sense, prepared me for whatever may happen in their lives.

On the 30th of April – Yen wrote “White Flag”:

He sits at the top of the stairs, so still he might have been there forever and for always.

The air is capricious, however, taunting him with whispers of dead men’s philosophy. His eyes turn down, and he feels the weight of mortality from under his feet. Around him, the hallway seems equally frozen, as if a breathing picture, a fixed fragment of time fallen into itself.

All of this is nevertheless an illusion, a vision he sees where time has forgotten its relevance.

In fact, he doesn’t remember beyond the stairs. The breaths he takes are the same he exhaled only moments before. In the dark, he begins to stale.

But moments later, a gust of wind from below erases this vision. It rises like a clean breeze from under him, and from it, he rediscovers the certainty of movement. He lifts his eyes, and looks around, then, begins to make out a hill in the distance.

The force of its existence strikes him awkwardly, unexpectedly.

He decides the hill must have been there always, as he has. He hunts the horizon for more shapes: a river, trees, but finds nothing, until in a final instant, he sees a bird tracing a wide circle near the hill top.

The trajectory of the bird’s flight, like a cut flag, fills his memory of the sky. The bird descends, then disappears into the hill’s shadow. For a moment, he forgets he is sitting on the stairs. The simultaneity of its movement, with the swelling of his heart, leads him to cry.

And again I weep. Again, I grieve. But again, I stand with them in this time – and I say – “I do not care if someone is gay-straight, black-white, moon-man or whatever, this kind of love is so deep and powerful, I maintain that great portions of the universe bow in honor of its strength.”

Because I could not stop for Death,
He kindly stopped for me;
The carriage held but just ourselves
And Immortality.

We slowly drove, he knew no haste,
And I had put away
My labor, and my leisure too,
For his civility.

We passed the school, where children strove
At recess, in the ring;

We passed the fields of gazing grain,
We passed the setting sun.

Or rather, be passed us;
The dews grew quivering and chill,
For only gossamer my gown,
My tippet only tulle.

We paused before house that seemed
A swelling of the ground;
The roof was scarcely visible,
The cornice but a mound.


Since then ’tis centuries, and yet each
Feels shorter than the day
I first surmised the horses’ heads
Were toward eternity.
–Emily Dickinson

Even More Amore ~ Early Morning Thoughts

I’ve been reading and following Two Lucky People for some time. Yen and Jesse are two amazing people deeply in love. Jesse has an aggressive form of Melanoma. While this kind of illness could tear many couples apart … they seem to be stronger than when I first met them through Yen’s writing.

Here’s some of what I’ve written –

Two People In Love ~ True Love

Further News About Jesse ~

Encouraging Valentine’s News ~

A Welcome Bit Of News – Yen, Jesse ~

A Love With So Much More ~

Emotional Bill Of Rights ~

“I’m so happy to be with you.” ~

Over and over, I’ve commented on the depth of their love and the strength that flows in their commitment to each other and to the life they are living.
Almost all the postings have been by Yen, but late in February Jesse treated us with a post of his own. The wonderful statement at the end was simple but with amazing depth. Jesse wrote: “He’s such an amazing person that I wish everyone of you could meet him in person. I’m so proud to have him as my boyfriend.”

On the 26th we were again treated to a second post from Jesse. From his hysterically funny description of trash TV (“…trannies tear at each others’ wigs on Jerry Springer”), the forty-five minuted trek to the hospital, ending with his description of what it feels like when he finally makes it home (“By the time I make it to the door, I feel like I’ve been beaten half-dead by a very heavy stick.”)When he does make it home, he’s met with an outward expression of an inward choice Yen has made to be in love.

While I’ve been gone, Yen’s been busy transforming the apartment into a five-star resort.

When I step into the room, I smell faint jasmine. Incense is burning on the window-sill. I hear calm, musical voices in the background. There are fresh rainbow-colored tulips on the coffee table. A plate of cool celery and keen carrots.
What? A tall, icy drink of pina colada? (Virgin, my Yenny smiles.)

What Yen does to this place sets my soul at ease. I am now ready to take a nice, long afternoon nap. This apartment, this home, it’s my castle of comfort, my paradise.

As I said in an earlier post (and with what’s been going on my life recently, I believe it even more): “I do not care if someone is gay-straight, black-white, moon-man or whatever, this kind of love is so deep and powerful, I maintain that great portions of the universe bow in honor of its strength.”

And once again, I maintain they are living the vow/promise of … “for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness AND in health…”

It was wonderful to read the post from Jesse – and it reaffirmed what I believed – together they are a potent force – for healing, togetherness and love.


And as I climb into bed this morning, I once again will say to the listening universe, “I want a love that will be like that – the kind that Jesse and Yen share. The choice that no matter what, I will love and care.” I’ll say it quietly, but I have no doubt it will be heard…

Emotional Bill Of Rights ~ Early Morning Thoughts

I have talked about Jesse and Yen from Two Lucky People before. These two people, so deeply in love, epitomize the kind of relationship – regardless of orientation – that is powerful, fulfilling and (I’m probably embarrassing both of them) an example to others of just what can happen if a relationship is worked at…by both people.

A quick history – Jesse has an aggressive form of melanoma and has undergone some serious treatments. The last was a series of highly toxic (read deadly) infusions. There were to be 15 of them, but only if his body could handle it. It couldn’t. At one point Jesse was “out of it” …

…the disorientation from the drug has intensified, cheating him of present reality.

Boxed in a hospital room at New York-Presbyterian, he thinks we are in North Carolina, at an elaborate, colorful circus show…

But Jesse is a fighter, and with Yen’s love …

When I rouse from my sleep next to Jesse’s hospital bed this morning, he is already awake.

“Happy Valentine’s Day, my love,” I lean across and kiss him on the cheek. “What day is it?” he asks. “Wednesday.”

Along the way, both had to learn and relearn some important lessons…

When hope to rekindle memories starts to wane, when your lover is changing, deteriorating, it becomes a challenge to keep loving. Every day is a lesson in patient loving. Every day you relearn how to love again(emphasis mine).

Finally Jesse was released from the hospital cage and came home…when I write about their home, I almost feel it should be capitalized…one of the first posts I read showed part of their apartment – and it is more than just home … they and their love have turned it into a Home.

They took some time and went on a vacation. While Yen wasn’t sure it was a good idea …

We were both angry with ourselves, and with each other…So while a vacation away from New York seemed like the perfect solution to two cramped, stretched souls, it also seemed to me the worst thing we could do for our relationship…

Then I was blessed to read a post by Jesse. It was the first time I’d had a chance to “meet” him, and I was so impressed and pleased to “sense” that what I had thought of his character and love was not wrong…

I was sick all day yesterday and as a result, just sort of sat there during dinner, only able to eat half the bowl of potato soup I ordered.

This once again is contributing to Yen becoming more and more frustrated about everything.

Hell, if I can’t even enjoy a decent meal with him, then it’s like he’s taking care of an invalid, isn’t it? Thanks to everyone who reads Yen’s blog. He’s such an amazing person that I wish everyone of you could meet him in person. I’m so proud to have him as my boyfriend…

And, when someone least expects something to happen, in a small moment…

…In that moment, I briefly forgot my anger and smiled at Jesse. In that moment, sweetened by the rarity of street dessert, the same light that first revealed his face to me, shone in my heart again…The turn was immediate, unexpected, and perfect in its ordinariness.

We were sitting in the lounge, on separate day beds, each with our own books…Jesse asked me to come sit by him. I agreed. It was not long after that we were both lying in a comfortable tangle of limbs – his legs stretched over mine, my arms wrapped around his thighs.

Resting so, we continued to read, my head slack on his stomach as his fingers caressed the side of my head. Once or twice, he catches me biting my nails, and smacks me disapprovingly, but gently. We continue to read like this for two uninterrupted, beatific hours.

As I have said before – these two are an example of: “for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness AND in health…” But while on this roller-coaster of illness – they also show another important point that I have touched on in others posts here – love IS a choice and is not without an emotional price sometimes.

Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love
–Ranier Maria Rilke

However, shining through the blog, is the amazing truth that is so often is forgotten. Emotions are neither right nor wrong…they just are. It’s what we do with them that creates the right or wrong. And, since it hasn’t been that long ago I climbed out of the cave of feeling nothing and caring about nothing – that’s a liberating statement.

Many people are under impression that they should be happy all of the time…that if you are not happy then something is wrong with you. To quote my Father: Horse feathers! That is not what the human experience is about! Happiness is only one of the many emotions we are meant to experience. Many children are not taught how to appreciate the beautiful emotional self or how to be with feelings. As children most of us were not given an emotional vocabulary, a way to talk about our feelings. Instead we are handed a set of “standards” that have little or no relationship to the world – or emotional health: “It is weak to show emotions … Real men don’t cry … It’s not o.k. for girls to be angry.”

To re-quote what I said earlier: Emotions are neither right nor wrong…they just are. It’s what we do with them that creates the right or wrong. And if people have no life vocabulary to deal with emotions, then how are they going to know what to do with them? When my Father was ill, my Mother had to develop more than just a new vocabulary for emotions, she almost had to come up with an entire new language. As I read Jesse and Yen’s experiences, there is a sense of the emotional vocabulary that is growing and becoming part of the love and life experience. Would I expect all to be perfect and “wonderfully solved in 10 minutes” kind of existence? No, that kind of life exists only in TV sitcoms and Lifetime movies. But as I’ve learned through some spectacular personal failures, when two people are working on something, it becomes a lot easier to deal with.

Go back and re-read Yen and Jesse’s blog. The emotional is there – but the solutions and/or understandings of the emotions are there as well. And I am grateful to be a small part of their life, love and emotions. To be able to share in my own small way their journey together. That’s a wonderful phrase isn’t it – journey together. The transparency that is there is a strong reminder to me about being transparent to my friends – and hopefully, eventually to someone to love – for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.

But in the long run –
shouldn’t we do that with everyone we care about?

A Welcome Bit Of News – Yen, Jesse ~

On February 11th and 12th I talked about Yen and Jesse (the person with the aggressive melanoma) from their blog Two Lucky People.
I’ll talk more about this later tonight (in Early Morning Thoughts), but I wanted to share a few welcome comments that Yen posted on their blog. Be sure to read the entire post – and don’t hesitate to leave a comment for them. I have no doubt they would/will be appreciated…

After more than a week of rest at home, Jesse has recovered almost completely from the IL-2 therapy.

He is his usual self, loving and already focused on getting stronger for the next round.

There is a “however” in the post:

Despite our best efforts, he’s still losing too much weight, hovering at a slender 140lbs for his 6′1in-tall frame. Our diet has whittled down to occasional meals, shared Chinese take-out, ramen, sushi sometimes. He has developed a liking for fresh watermelon, which I try to procure diligently.

That he’s home and recovering is encouraging news – and my thoughts/prayers continue to be with them…

more thoughts tonight…

Encouraging Valentine’s News ~ Update on Jesse

I have been praying/thinking about Jesse and Yen for some time now. As you have read in previous posts, they are two delightful people who truly live the love they profess. Where I first found them was their wonderful blog…Two Lucky People.

Jesse is suffering from a very aggressive form of melanoma and was undergoing a very toxic clinical trial. As I talked about just the other day that had to be stopped because Jesse’s body was unable to handle it. He was supposed to go home the other day, but because parts of his body seemed to be failing – his release was delayed.

I was so thrilled and relieved to read this post today…while not completely out of the woods (as much as someone suffering as he is can be), he is getting there.

I can’t be there – but I feel as if I share … and that’s a wonderful feeling!!!

Two People In Love ~ True Love

I have been blessed to know some really wonderful and amazing people through the blog world. I’ve not personally met any of them (at least that I know of) — but some I feel I should have known them all my life.

Such are the two men of TWO LUCKY PEOPLE the blog that’s on my sidebar. I’ve decided to ask you to keep them in your thoughts/prayers for the next few days. Jesse has (if I understand this right) an aggressive melanoma. He has been through several clinical trials to try and beat this cancer. He is currently in one where the medication is extremely toxic. Based on what Yen wrote, very few are able to complete the entire course of medications. They have to give up about half way through. Jesse is heading toward that point, and his love and I really want him to make it all the way.

Feel free to drop by their blog for updates on Jesse – and I’m sure Yen would love some encouraging thoughts/comments.


These two people – I’ve said this several places – are the epitome of what love is all about … for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness or in health. And I take my hat off to the two of them, and once you read the blog…I think you will as well.