Category Archives: self-fulfilling prophecy

Dark Matter In Space and Life(coda) ~ Early Moring Thoughts

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As I had talked about “I” messages, and mentioned the use of what I was calling “directed” questions to try and effect change in someone ~ what I had not counted on was someone taking far more direct action. I had written that SE chose to believe that 1) things would always work against whatever was wanted, 2) that nothing could/would go the way they wanted and 3) anger is/was the only way to deal with the what was happening.

Earlier in the day SE had decided to “put someone in their place.” Unfortunately, the person being “put in place” made a very quick decision that was not something they were going to tolerate. SE had a very abrupt realization that there could be pain attached to taking anger out on someone ~ very abrupt and very painful.

You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.
–Buddha

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
–Buddha

I have spent a long time with SE today, which limited my on-line time. However, I can say – there was a positive result of it all, and I’ll return to the topic tomorrow night. (And SE has agreed that outside help is needed with the issues ~ which is one of the major results I wanted.)

Dark Matter In Space And Life(2) ~ Late Night Thoughts

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There was a slight (?!) pause between the last post and this one (OK ~ I regard 24 hours as slight…in posting time anyway.) However, I had a delay in getting an answer to what was wearing me out.

However, here is where I’m standing at the moment. Exactly how can someone be told what the bitter anger, resentments and “persecution” is doing to them and to those around. How can you show someone – who can not see the examples around them – that things can and should be different.

As I was searching for answers, I stumbled over the answer right in front of me. There is no use “telling” someone what their anger/bitterness/resentments are doing to themselves and/or others. Doing this could result in an enormous argument with denial and even more anger. Instead of helping, it creates more barriers to any change or epiphany to create a sense of what needs to be done.

I would love to say that this is the “WD method of handling people” and market it. However, it really is a combination of a number of ideas that I’ve heard/read/ripped off/been told over the years. In this problem, it involves two parts: 1) the I part and what I will call 2) the directed question part.

Often, when someone has a problem with another person, they tell them so by using a “you-statement,” for example, “you didn’t …..!” While the statement may be true, by phrasing it that way, the listener is likely to get defensive, and begin to argue. They might reply, “I couldn’t because the deadline was unreasonable!” or “You are always pestering me…..!”

Another approach to the same problem is using an “I-message:”

When you interrupted me speaking
I felt angry because
I was feeling unimportant.

While this disguises a “you” statement, it allows the thoughts/feelings of the person to be expressed in a fairly non-threatening manner. Hopefully, it will cause the other person to think and not simply react. However, there has been some rethinking about these statements. (But wait ~ there’s more!) The point of the statement is to get the other person to see the problem from a different non-threatening point of view. However – there is a tendency for these statements to come across as stilted, childish and somewhat patronizing ~for adults anyway.

Situation 1: Mark is yelling at James because James changed the channel on the television from MTV to VH1. Mark is calling James names and telling him to turn it back or else Mark will pound him.

Traditional “I” message:
James says to Mark: “I feel angry when you call me names and yell at me and I want you to stop it.”

The above statement would warm the heart of almost any trainer/consultant over the last few years. What I think it would NOT do is change anything in the situation.

New “I” message:
James says to Mark: “Hey, Mark. Cool out, man. I’m starting to get angry. I don’t like it when people call me names and threaten me. I didn’t know that changing the channel was such a big deal. Can we work this out like friends?” (no doubt a sanitized version of the actual conversation)

(And as a bonus ~)

I thought these kind of statements were easy ~ I was given this example from the Ohio Commission of Dispute Resolution and Conflict Management. I would be interested in answers. Aside from the fact this brought up a huge set of memories (not so pleasant) that, frankly, surprised me.

Jerome is walking to his locker when an older student bumps into him and then begins yelling at Jerome about being stupid and clumsy.

Jerome say to the older student:
(ten bonus points if the end of the statement does NOT involve Jerome hitting the other student or both of them getting expelled/suspended.)

Now, the second part that could be used is (as I said) what I’m calling the “directed” question. These questions are somewhat probing and yet, non-threatening. These are more difficult to phrase. This is actually what I’ve begun to use with the problem I’m facing. I want SE to see for them self what their behavior is doing to them self and those around.

These type of questions take thought and some planning.

—more on this tomorrow (within 24 hours I promise!)

Dark Matter In Space And Life ~ Early Morning Thoughts

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During the last three weeks, I have been dealing with something that has begun to really wear on me. There is someone that I have come to care/be concerned about very deeply that has made/is making choices that could possibly tear their life apart even more than it already is. This caused me to go back over a couple of posts that I did earlier about self-fulfilling prophecy and choices (I am a self-fulfilling prophecy and self-fulfilling anger).

Once again, there are quotes that laced those posts:

You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.
–Buddha

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
–Buddha

This person chose/chooses to believe that 1) things would always work against them, 2) that nothing could/would go their way and 3) anger is/was the only way to deal with the what was happening.

This is NOT saying that anger doesn’t have purpose and uses. When anger is held onto, nurtured and allowed to color everything, that it can override what is actually going on in life. Someone once compared our emotions to an investment. They can either pay dividends or they can be held onto until they become a liability causing a drain of all that can be healthy. And, unfortunately, holding on to that kind of anger hurts rather than helps. It can become not only foolish, but actually self-destructive.

Anger, someone once said, is valuable only as a short-term investment. It’s value sharply decreases the long it’s held onto. It also consumes a tremendous amount of energy – physical, emotional and spiritual.

However, here is where I’m standing at the moment. Exactly how can someone be told what the bitter anger, resentments and “persecution” is doing to them and to those around. How can you show someone – who can not see the examples around them – that things can and should be different.

—more on this tomorrow

–Blue Anger – http://www.jamiehulleyartsfund.org/art/blue.htm

The Ass Of Assumptions (end) ~ Early Morning Thoughts

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A very dear friend of mine (SGB) has a wonderful saying:

“words written can not be unread and
words spoken can not be unheard.”

As D&D would not listen let alone ask, their reactions became more and more pronounced – to me and toward Toby. I was walking a fine line that was no longer a balancing act but a high wire act without a net.

Eventually when walking a high wire while trying to balance any number of things, something is going to fall – and usually the person on the wire is the one that falls. I had been trying to keep everyone at peace and trying to compartmentalize what was going on in my life. While that can be a valid and valuable contribution of life – it can also be a major trap with no escape.

I’ve written before that I have a tendency toward “peace at any cost.” Sometimes there is no peace, and the end cost can turn out to be quite expensive. In this case, with D&D it had several unintended results. The friendship with both came to an immediate end. It wasn’t just that one single comment, but rather a gathering of a number of comments – not just about Toby – that led further and further down the road of erroneous assumptions.

And because they had built themselves a “construct” out of their assumptions, there was no way I could see that would change anything in either their maps or territories.

A construct is any idea that people invent in order to accomplish some particular end. And a construct, while not an absolute truth becomes something people assume to be an absolute.

I finally realized that I was not just walking the high wire around D&D, but I was also being untrue to myself by allowing the comments and assumptions to basically be unchallenged and/or unchecked. I had added false luggage tags and added baggage to my train – and it really was slowing the engine down. It actually spurred me even further to look even more into my life and the assumptions I’ve held onto, and which ones I’ve – perhaps – turned into constructs that need to be de-constructed.

In Wait
There are waves of emotions
that travel on land,
there’s beauty in silence
when you cradle the sun;
there are channels of thought
that use sweat when they paint pores,
there are smiles in drawers
that wait to be released . . .

There is a hidden power within us,
just lying around, waiting to be seen.
—Alex Luna
(copyright 2005)

The ending of a friendship
is a painful
as the click
of a coffin lid.

Letting go
Of assumptions
That don’t fit
This emerging life
Of a planetary
Consciousness,
Releasing
Unjust claims
That hold us hostage
To outworn mindsets,
Which drive us
To destroy ourselves
And others,
As penitence
For our power.

Releasing our minds
From the slavery of violence,
Freedom rushes in,
Flying to
Animate fresh visions
Of who we are
And what we can do,
Enwilling us with
Power over ourselves,
To choose
To be and do
With others.

Discovering love
Encoded in our genes
And compassion
That has been building
Through eons of change.
We find
Revived meaning,
A common purpose,
Shared action,
Different ways
Of seeing life,
New learnings,
A whole-some mix,
A holy diversity
Resolving
To empassion compassion
And stride forward
In myriad modes
Of Peace.

This is our time,
Our chance,
To rally Peace
Into the world.
—Verie Sandborg

The Ass In Assumptions (two) ~ Early Morning Thoughts

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Some time ago, I began talking about assumptions and the problems I faced with D&D because of it …I had written (in part):

Assumptions are typically picked up from the culture in which we live. We acquired them as we acquired so much of our other knowledge from the culture, without being especially aware that we were learning it.

Going back to D&D for a bit – They both, but one of the D’s in particular have acquired a number of assumptions from the culture we live in AND (although they would be loath to admit it) the gay culture they surround themselves with. That happens no matter what the orientation…but in this case, the one D’s (hereafter D2) assumptions have stronger influences than most. . .Quoting from above: Assumptions typically take for granted that something or other is a fact, the way things really are. Even if they are not that way.

D2 had placed Toby in a category based on his assumptions…even though the assumptions had little basis in fact.

It started the night he told me that I “had more patience that he did what “those’ kind of people.” Now, “those kind of people” is a phrase that has always had the effect on me that fingernails on a blackboard have. And usually my reaction to each is about the same. Being a product of the 60’s and 70’s albeit not directly in the South (except for one VERY long year) – I am extremely aware of just how that phase was said and used.

I never expected anyone I was deep friends with (and who knew anything at all about me) would ever show serious bigoted assumptions or anti-people assumptions at anytime. As time marched/moved/tip-toed on with Toby and me, there were other remarks that were made showing a lack of understanding.

As I had written IF they had asked question and truly listened to the answers, there would not have been a problem. However, for them it was easier to make the assumptions then to find out the truth.

Toby has a bit of an image problem…I would be the first to admit that – but also the first to find out that the image does not match the reality. (Hmmmm, sounds like a few other posts I’ve written.) Toby is 6 feet 4 inches tall with tattoos on each arm. He’s somewhat “built”, keeps his hair buzzed short and has an Ohio accent (crossed with a deep South accent) you could – at times – cut with a chain-saw. He enjoys people of all types and is very gregarious and at times exceptionally outgoing. And yes, he can be mistaken for a hustler.

When I first met Toby I had problems as well. I had written about a deep rooted cynicism that I had to root out.

Later, after D&D’s return from successful errand running. Toby (not his real name or initial) whom I had never seen before, literally came and starting “working” me…I’d use the term hitting on me, but I didn’t want to give the impression of violence. I found that unidentified feeling really rubbing me … and then I realized with a shock what it was. I was surprised by cynicism. Actually a very deep rooted cynicism. Something I was totally unprepared for, and unaware of how much I had.

cyn·i·cism(sĭn’ĭ-sĭz’əm)-n- An attitude of scornful or jaded negativity, especially a general distrust of the integrity or professed motives of others:

And how was it expressed? Thank heavens only mentally. I think I realized it before it became expressed either in body language or verbally. My inner reaction was one of very high mistrust of the integrity of him and his motives.

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
–H. L. Mencken (1880 – 1956)

And now – “the rest of the story ~

At one point, I was asked to house/dog sit for D&D. It was going to be a simple weekend – in on Friday – back home on Sunday. On Saturday evening, D&D were expected to be at a contest that a mutual friend was entering. I was more than willing to go and would be back for the dogs within about 2 1/2 hours.

In the middle of the afternoon chaos struck. (this IS a story about D&D after all!) The person who was entering the contest was being pulled in about five directions for rides to the contest and a couple of other places. This was not a problem – however, Toby was riding with him. So, he dropped Toby off at D&D‘s for about 45 minutes. All the people were delivered, I had a delightful time at the contest. Our friend didn’t win, but wasn’t too upset about it either. The weekend came to an end (and yes, there was a problem with the puppies – it only took a couple of hours to clean-up ~ they do belong to D&D after all.)

As I was driven home by D1, I explained what had happened and everything seemed to be fine. Alas, it was not going to be. On my part – I made the assumption 1) that D1 had discussed it with D2 and 2) that everything was fine.

Several weeks (!) later I received a very boozy phone call from D2 that literally started off with “I know what you did.” My response was an ever so polite “What?” “I know what you did and I have a few things to say about that.” Again, my response was an ever so polite “What the ______ (insert any word you want here) are you talking about?”

“I know that Toby was here and I want you to know that” (here is it) “those kind of people stand on the porch and if they have to poop or pee – oh well, that’s where they do it.”

—tomorrow the final chapter of my friendship with D&D.

The Ass In Assumptions (one) ~ Early Morning Thoughts

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Assumption comes from the Latin ad + sumere, and has the meaning of “to take something for granted,” “to suppose that it is true.” Assumptions typically take for granted that something or other is a fact, the way things really are. The thing that makes assumptions difficult to deal with is that they largely occur at the unconscious level.

For example: Why should anyone study? One ponderous answer might be, “Knowledge is better than ignorance, or, It is more important to acquire learning than it is to know nothing. “
And a voice says: “That’s certainly obvious.” I wish it were, but it is not. Identifying assumptions is never obvious. Assumptions are not learned in school and then promptly forgotten — like the capital of Britain , or the Einstein’s famous formula. Assumptions are typically picked up from the culture in which we live. We acquired them as we acquired so much of our other knowledge from the culture, without being especially aware that we were learning it. (insert trumpet sounds around the above statement please)

Before going on, I need to add another little term to the discussion – construct. A construct is any idea that people invent in order to accomplish some particular end. (please insert more trumpet sounds here) A construct is not the same as an absolute truth. A construct is simply an idea which people–very often people with an agenda–have created.

It’s been awhile since I mentioned anything about D&D. While not a major part of my writings, what has happened over the last few weeks IS a major part of my life.

I have written about how I met Toby and some of what we have gone through in an attempt to make he and I -“us.” For a number of reasons that has undergone a change, and we are going to remain in the friends category. This is a good thing. It’s making maps match territories, making sure luggage tags are accurate and accomplishing what they need to on each of our life journey.

What is important now is to work hard at developing yourselves into truly wonderful human beings. Ultimately, the relationships you form are a reflection of your own state of life.

Going back to D&D for a bit – They both, but one of the D’s in particular have acquired a number of assumptions from the culture we live in AND (although they would be loath to admit it) the gay culture they surround themselves with. That happens no matter what the orientation…but in this case, the one D‘s assumptions have stronger influences than most. For all I know, D has some serious personal experiences that have caused some of his strong assumptions to “flower.” Re quoting from above: Assumptions typically take for granted that something or other is a fact, the way things really are. Even if they are not that way.

D had placed Toby in a category based on his assumptions…even though the assumptions had little basis in fact. It started the night he told me that I “had more patience that he did what
“those’ kind of people.” Now, “those kind of people” is a phrase that has always had the effect on me that fingernails on a blackboard have. And usually my reaction to each is about the same. Being a product of the 60’s and 70’s albeit not directly in the South (except for one VERY long year) – I am extremely aware of just how that phase was said and used.

I never expected anyone I was deep friends with (and who knew anything at all about me) would ever show serious bigoted assumptions or anti-people assumptions at anytime. As time marched/moved/tip-toed on with Toby and me, there were other remarks that were made showing a lack of understanding.

Toby could come across negatively IF (again – IF) no one asked questions. I had no problem looking him in the eye (which is a little difficult as he is several inches taller!) and asking what I needed to know. Was there a possibility of untruth? Yes, but as I learned with children (all three of them!) truth WILL out…all you have to do is listen for it.


AS D&D would not listen let alone ask, their reactions became more and more pronounced – to me and toward Toby. I was walking a fine line that was no longer a balancing act but a high wire act without a net.

— more tomorrow

Self-Fulfilling Anger ~ Early Morning Thoughts

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A fellow blogger once wrote that comments and emails are like drugs … we get some and then we want more!!! Today, when I got home there were two emails about my post yesterday about anger. Both brought up the same point … a valid point.

When I talked about becoming angry, not just irritated, but angry I was expressing what was going on within me. That feeling of almost rage about something. Now, there are times when anger is very appropriate, however – it’s where the anger is directed and what’s done with it that’s the important issue.

You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.
–Buddha

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
–Buddha

When I started having the problem of getting the delivery, I was irritated which then as the problem dragged on, became anger. Now, that anger was becoming something that was beginning to effect how I was viewing things around me. It was becoming the overriding emotion for the day. It actually was beginning to resemble a volcano, with hot lava about to erupt.

What made me work at changing was watching the man on the bus. His anger had reached such strength that nothing, no one was right, doing right or being right. And by that I do mean no one. It almost became laughable. People were getting on the bus too slowly, the lights should change faster and the rain needed to stop. He grumbled at a lady because her umbrella was wet and would get the floor wet…which it already was. The windshield wipers were too noisy. And his list was getting longer as time went on. That’s what I mean by his external behavior was beginning to mirror what I was feeling internally.

In the discussions with the company that was supposedly delivering the package, I was faced with choices. I could really “let-them-have-it” or try and figure out what was going on. When I got the final phone call last night attempting to get to the bottom of the issue, the person on the other end tried to place the blame where it wasn’t … on me. Again, I could have really vented – but I chose (this time) to simply stay where I felt I wanted to be. I stayed firm, but calm.

Today, the decision paid the benefit. There was another phone call this morning about the delivery. I’m sure the person calling was expecting a major problem…but within five minutes the issues had been completely resolved, the delivery DID arrive at the time it was supposed to AND I got a discount on the purchase price for the delay.

Now, I’m not some kind of Pollyanna that thinks that everything can be solved with calm words, sweet behavior. I KNOW better than that. What I don’t want to do, is become as that person on the bus – the kind of individual who thinks that everything is wrong, nothing and no one is right. That kind of behavior becomes almost a self-fulfilling prophecy…keep believing that, and soon that’s exactly what will happen. Once we cast someone or something/someone as the enemy everything is to be suspect and made to fit the preconceived ideas we have.

Anger is only a natural reaction; one of the mind’s ways of reacting to things that it perceives to be wrong. While anger can sometimes lead people to do shocking things,it can also be an instinct to show people that something isn’t right.

A number of years ago there was a book titled “Don’t Waste Your Sorrows,” but I would like to use the term “Don’t Waste Your Anger.” There are some things we should be angry about – injustice, hatred, bigotry (all kinds), deceit (any kind) and the list could go on. However, if the anger isn’t causing some kind of action, then to me it’s wasted.

— more tomorrow

I Am A Self-fulfilling Prophecy ~ Early Morning Thoughts

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As I work more and more with integrity, I’m reminded (sometimes by that 2X4 kind of thought that “hits” with great force) that when I allow negative messages to invade my mind, I create self-fulfilling prophecies that not only slow me down – but make achieving success almost an impossibility. Rather than reacting to situations by facing each situation as it is – I react to my perception of the situation, and those mysterious “tapes” that run as some of those website that have the music player embedded – and the music simply starts (and I sometimes have difficulty finding the switch to turn it off). This does not mean that I have to have a full scale mental intervention with every negative thought that passes through my mind. After all, I am NOT responsible for what drives through on the highway of my mind – I am ONLY responsible for what I let pull over and park .

As I’ve said before, a self-fulfilling prophecy can occur when I accept something that is not true, and let it rule my life, thoughts, actions, beliefs. When I was growing up I accepted some really negative ideas about myself that were untrue. I think all of us probably did at one point of another. The difference is what we do with those ideas.

If they become the truths that I never question
– then they are truths that will govern my reactions. And, it becomes negative truths that draw other negatives into my life. Really? Yes – negative attracts negative. Positive tends to attract positive. What I “hug” will be the predictions that my life will fulfill. It’s taken awhile, but I have chosen to live out the positives that will allow me to be happy and free. I have to make the decision to ignore or, in a sense, kick out the negatives. They have had their parking permits revoked and I try to get them towed soon after they park in my mind.

Whatever you think about creates what you experience. In this respect, we are all living out self-fulfilling prophecies, because whatever your perception of reality, whatever thoughts you accept as true, will lead you. You attract negative “energy” by focusing on the negative– that is part of the law of attraction.

Now that I have said the phrase: Law of Attraction, I immediately want to take it back, and try to find another one. The reason for my hesitancy is frankly the terrible use and overuse of that three word phrase. I think that most of the religions of the world have a similar view of it – “as a man thinks – so he is”(Judisim) – “If a man’s mind has evil thoughts, pain comes on him as the wheel comes behind the ox…but if one endures in purity of thought, joy follows him as surely as his own shadow.” (Buddhism)

Unfortunately, there are people that take something that has personal value and “run” it to the extreme. These are the ones that firmly believe (and want to convince me to believe it) that NOTHING bad can happen unless I think it and thereby attract it. My reaction to that is less than kind or positive, so I’ll leave it at that.

Let me give you an example of what I mean by extreme. JO visited an acquaintance’s home for the first time. These people were not wealthy by any means, but were getting by – and doing quite well with what they had. He was shown around the house, and then (surprising to him) taken out to the garage. Their car was parked in the driveway – but the garage was empty except for a large white X that had been painted on the floor. “That,” said the man, “is where the BMW we’re going to receive will be parked.” Now, these folks were simply taking something to the extreme. There were no plans as to how they were going to achieve the goal of a BMW, no plans on how to pay for it and certainly no plans as to how they would keep it once they “received” it. As a very wise man once indicated: “don’t ask [the universe] to give you a Cadillac if you can’t keep gas in your VW bug.”

Keep your feet on solid ground. Know who you are, how to handle the storms of change and adversity, and attract the good and create the positive wherever you do have control. You can be at peace in the uncertainty knowing you have the tools necessary to handle life’s tides, and you know where to turn for strength.

You were created with a mind and a will to determine what you embrace and what you eliminate from your thoughts. A child repeatedly told horrible things usually internalizes the messages as true. At some point, that child will grow up and learn there are other messages available. You must decide what to believe.

Keep remembering the term I’m (supposedly) talking about it “self”-fulfilling. What messages have I accepted that STILL control my life and its outcomes? What kind of people do I accept as part of my life – and allow what they think or say to effect my life and outcomes.

Maybe these sound familiar:

you are stupid, you will never amount to anything, you can’t make it, how could you have even thought you could succeed, you should have known better, why did you even try, what an embarrassment you are, you are ugly, worthless, unintelligent, incapable, and a failure, you are unlovable, no one cares what you think, no one believes what you say.

These cut deep wounds, and it takes intent (and, I’ve discovered) a lot of work and thought to replace them with positive truths.

The determined intend success and keep going despite obstacles.

They dwell on positive thoughts, and attract the truth they believe. If you are determined, you find a way to make it happen because you believe that you CAN.

If you believe that you cannot, you will not. (It may be difficult, it may be different than you had originally planned, you may have to adapt to the unfamiliar, but if you are focused and think positively, you can achieve your goals.)


If dandelions were rare and fragile,
people would knock themselves out to pay $14.95 a plant, raise them by hand in greenhouses, and form dandelion societies and all that. But they are everywhere and don’t need us and kind of do what they please. So we call them weeds
and murder them at every opportunity.
–Robert Fulgham

More on this later ~

Dandelion painting by Gundula Jacobs
http://www.thebrighamgalleries.com/Artists/GJacobs/Gundula Jacobs