That’s So Darwin ~ Late Evening Thoughts …

Absolutely one of my favorite awards to read about are the Darwin Awards:

“Darwin Awards: We watch the watchman watch the watchmen.”
Natural selection deems that some individuals
serve as a warning to others. 
  Who are we to disagree?
The next generation, ever and anon, is descended from the survivors.

Here’s the link to their site  …. for sheer enjoyment ….

The problem with these awards, they are awarded posthumously.  You know, for those who have [thankfully] removed themselves from the gene pool.

As I was wandering around the internet … I discovered some folks that I think I’ll keep and eye on to see if they … um … show up in the awards.

darwin award nominee1 darwin award nominee2 darwin award nominee3 darwin award nominee4 darwin award nominee5 darwin award nominee6 darwin award nominee7These should be fun to follow right???



And It’s That Day, Once Again ~ Early Afternoon Thoughts ~

First off some thoughts in picture …..

blog April Fools Day1

blog April Fools Day2

There, now that I’ve gotten that out-of-the-way ….

Along the years, I’ve gotten to enjoy some really bizarre “conspiracy theories”.   Some are in the category of >banging head on keyboard> while others actually make you stop and go “Hmm.”  This is one of those.

In spite of what my Grand-kids might think, cell phones are a rather new invention … or are they?

the way back machine

[NOTE: the two videos that follow have NOT been doctored, they are as they were … ]

OK, let’s set the way back machine  to the year – well close to the year – 1928 and Charlie Chaplin’s The Circus … watch and you might think that Dr. Who had been there ….

Really? A cell phone in 1928(ish) …. To quote the infomercials: “But wait there’s more…..”

Skip the record ahead just a few years to the somewhere toward 1938(ish) ….

Totally flummoxed? As always, there are some explanations….. I’m just not going to include them now.  I’ll post about it tomorrow after you’ve dealt with them ….

Happy April Fools Day everyone ….

Early Afternoon Thoughts ~ Male or Female

One of the more difficult parts of learning a language is what is a female item and what is a male item.  It’s important to know this as it makes a big difference in the sentence structure.  I’d always assumed that English was devoid of “this item is male, this item is female” until today …. and so, hot off the “intertubes”, where everything on the “net” has to be true right?

Male or Female?   

You might not have known this,

but a lot of non-living objects

are actually either male or female. 

Here are some examples:  

They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt. 

These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.  

Female, because they’re constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

Male, because in the last 5000 years, they’ve hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but                 consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know which buttons to push, he just keeps                 trying….

It Was A Dark And Stormy Night ~

My absolute favorite contest has just announced their 2012 winners!!!

That’s right, this years crop of entries to The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (Where “WWW” means “Wretched Writers Welcome” ) have been judged and found appropriately wanting.

For those who may not know, Bulwer-Lytton produced the lines:

“it was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents — except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness” as well as the infamous “unwashed masses”.

To say that his novels were turgid and overwritten would be an understatement.

Every year authors submit their worst possible (possibly) opening paragraphs – and winners in various categories are chosen.

Here are two of my favorites from this years crop:

“Professor Lemieux had anticipated that his latest paper would be received with skepticism within the small, fractious circle of professional cosmologists, few of whom were prepared to accept his hypothesis that our universe had been created in a marijuana-induced industrial accident by insectoid aliens; nevertheless, he was stung when Hawking airily dismissed it as the Bug Bong Theory. — Alan Follett, Hercules, CA”

Closely followed by:
“They still talk about that fateful afternoon in Abilene, when Dancing Dan DuPre moonwalked through the doors of Fat Suzy’s saloon, made a passable reverse-turn, pirouetted twice followed by a double box-step, somersaulted onto the bar, drew his twin silver-plated Colt-45s and put twelve bullets through the eyes of the McLuskey sextuplets, on account of them varmints burning down his ranch and lynching his prize steer. — Ted Downes, Cardiff, U.K.”
To read all the winners past and present (and perhaps enter yourself) – here’s the link

And My Life Goes On And On ~

As you’ve discovered here, I’m pretty easy going and have a pretty good sense of humor.  Today, however, I wasn’t so sure I was going to be able to keep it … Read on McDuff!!!

OK, first up was a Dr’s appointment (good report) followed by a trip with a friend to Bath and Body Works – for the sale (things up to 75% off) and I had a coupon for an additional $10 off. Sounds simple enough, right? Um … this is me we’re talking about!!!! So, braving the sales crowd at the store, I find the “flavor” of wall air-freshener I like ~ Eucalyptus Mint, if you must know…. 4 for $20. Not a great buy, but OK none-the-less. Leaving that station RIGHT NEXT TO IT is another station filled with the same fragrances packed 2 to a box instead of being single in a bin. Should cost more, right? Wrong. These SAME fragrances are now marked $6 for a two pack. — So, instead of $20 for 4 they’re now $12 for four.

At the check-out, the “kid” (and I do mean kid) ringing me up almost panicked when it rang up at $6. Before I can say anything there is an immediate call (on headset) to manager (who was probably only 6 months older than he was). I mentioned the price difference, which causes her to grab the box and repeat, as if to a first grader: “This is a two pack”…giving me the impression she was going to charge me $6 PER bottle. I’m telling her the sign said “2 pack for $6 and she’s clutching the box (as if it were pearls she was clutching in horror) repeating “This is a two pack.”

Realizing this is going no where fast, and I’m beginning to get really, really irritated – I said to just ring it up. With one more attempt to make sure I understood this was a 2-pack and possibly realizing I was about to render her visual aid to be extremely painful, she left with one totally confused clerk and one totally confused customer in her wake.

And yes, they rang up at $6 for a 2 pack leaving the singles at $5 for one, in faded memory.

Moral of the story, if Bath And Body Works employees can’t figure it out, it’s best left alone … right? LOL ….

Parental Moments ~ Early Evening Thoughts

About the time my daughter was in High School. a ladies only strip club had made the news here in town. It was owned by a former dancer of note (according to his press releases) and had become quite the party spot. It had (at that time) a firm “ladies only” policy ~ so, from what we understood the evenings were fairly raucous. This became quite the topic of conversation from my daughter and she was making all sorts of devious plans to go. I didn’t worry too much about it as 1) she was way to young to get in and 2) I doubted she would really have gone even if she could have gotten into the place and 3) she was talking out loud about the plans ~ probably to see what kind of reaction it would get.

My daughter also loved to go to the various trade shows (travel), home and garden shows and the other exhibitions during the year. She was the exact opposite of my ex-wife. who could tolerate those kind of gatherings for – oh – maybe ten minutes and then was done. My daughter, on the other hand, loved to go, look and see everything that was there. She also was beginning to “scope” out men which was quite funny to be around. She would decided someone was cute, and I’d tease her to go talk to him, to which she would refuse, etc. It was a fun time to be around her …

One week, there was a home and travel show at the convention center and I extended the invitation for her to come with me and for once, she decided that she didn’t want to go but “Bring me home something from it, Dad.” was the response.

So, I went and wandered around the exhibits on the main floor and then went to the second floor exhibits. In the center of all those exhibits was not only an exhibit for the club she had been talking about, but about 8 of the dancers were there as well. And yes, everything was quite G-rated. I wandered by and realized they were selling pictures, slides (!?!) and calenders. Ah ha!! A calender would be the ideal thing for her – if I could find one that she would be allowed to hang in her room! I found a large wall one with all 12 months and a different dancer for each month. This was a little more PG rated, but they were basically clothed and I was pretty sure that my ex (not ex at the time but later) would allow it in the house and in her room.

Not only did I get the calender, I got the dancers who were there to autograph the calender for her – and they each personalized it. I was sure it would be a great hit. (two of the dancers circled their birthdays with hearts – as if!!)

I waited to give it to her for several days. We were heading to do some shopping and I reminded her about the home/travel show and that it was too bad she wasn’t there, because … and then I told her who was there. It was a wonderful dramatic moment on her part as she was quite vocal about having missed them, etc. THEN, I gave her the calender.

A long silence followed, and all I could think was: “Oh, great, she doesn’t like it!!” Finally I asked her if she was unhappy with it …

Another long pause, then she replied that she did like it but ~ she said; “I just realized that there is no way I could date someone who has bigger boobs and more hair than I do!”

It’s A Matter Of The Heart ~ Late (to me) Evening Thoughts

It’s been a very crazy week ~ and it’s only Wednesday!!!! I’ve been helping D&D in the flower shop they work at … a small busy shop with L A R G E personalities… My job has been to answer the phone and take orders. I would estimate that there were 150 arrangements that were delivered today and I believe there are over 250 for tomorrow! So, posting, cleaning the house and getting much of anything done has been put on hold for Friday….

Here’s my thoughts on Valentine’s Day — obviously colored by my week with flowers!!

Ok, Maybe I’m Not Reading This Correctly ~ Early Morning Thoughts

As we approach the New Year with all its resolutions, hopes and dreams (more about that later) … perhaps a reflection on some of the idiocy of last year would be in order.

I normally don’t provide a link to another web site, but in this case ~ the stories are worth reading in their home blog and perhaps you might find the site as interesting as I do. These three blood-pressure raising tales are true stories that have been published on the This Is True website. (OK, his copyright had something to do with it as well ~)

One involves police unable to release pictures of escaped murderers because….well, I’ll let the spokesman speak for himself at the end of the story. Another involves a blind boy who is not being allowed to take his seeing eye dog to school (the principal wanted him arrested) and last but NOT least – a town deciding to go to plan B . . . at a lot more money.

Hopefully, you are intrigued to visit
Randy Cassingham’s “This is True” Blog , and relish the stories ….

about New Year’s later ~

Out Of The Pun, Into The Fire ~ Early Evening Thoughts

(update 8-19-2007) I received a delightful e-mail giving me authorship information on the 2003 winner Gary Roma of He will be publishing a book soon of his stories, including Love Letters. Thanks Gary for bringing me up to speed.

Each year, in Austin TX. there is an O.Henry “pun-off” where contestants compete to win the best of that years puns. While this years winners have yet to be punsted posted I did find some rather delightful puns and stories from previous years.

I posted some winners of the actual contest before, but these were voted on by the Save The Pun Foundation members as best stressed puns.

from Best Stressed Puns of 2004.

Ascent..An aroma.
Brisket..To speed something up.
Castrate..To evaluate all the actors in a movie or play.
Dollop..To dress up attractively.
Exposed..A retired model.
Forthcoming..Three visits weren’t enough.
Germination..The birthplace of Beethoven.
Hi-fidelity..A devoted couple.
Institute..A spontaneous session of wind and brass instruments.
Logarithm..Tapping out the beat of a tune on a tree trunk.

From 2003: Love Letters by Gary Roma – see updated version —>HERE<—

Words are just lucky letters. How do letters get lucky? They go to bars. Let’s listen:

A consonant goes into a bar and sits down next to a vowel.
“Hi!” he says, “Have you ever been here before?”
“Of cursive,” she replies, “I come here, like, all the time”
He can tell from her accent (which is kind acute) that she is a Vowelly Girl. He looks her over. She’s short and has a nice assonance.
She sure is a cipher sore I’s, thinks this consonantal dude. He remains stationery, enveloped by her charm. “And what an uppercase!” His initial reaction is so pronounced, he doesn’t know what to say. He is, at present, tense. Admiring her figure of speech, he falls into a fantasy.
He pictures a perfect wedding: They exchange wedding vowels.
The minister says, “I now pronouns you man and wife.”
They kiss each other on the ellipsis. “I love you, noun forever,” he whispers. The conjugation is in tiers. In a word, they are wed.
He awakens from his daydream and proposes a dance, but she declines.
Ferment there, she looks like she’s going to bee [sic].
“Gee, are you okay?” he asks her.
“I’m, like, under a lot of stress … I’ve got a yeast inflection.”
“I knew something was brewing.”
He calls the bartender. “Listen, bud, my beer is warm.”
The bartender takes the bottle and empties it in the sink.
The dude watches as his hops go down the drain.
“Let’s go outside,” he says to her. “I’d like to have a word with you.”
“Are you prepositioning me?”
“I won’t be indirect. You are the object of my preposition.”
“Oh my God, you’re, like, such a boldfaced character!”
“I see your point. But I’m font of you. C’mon let’s go.”
“Do I have to spell it out? You’re not my type, so get off my case.
Reluctantly, he decides to letter B. “Now my evening lies in runes,” he laments. He leaves, hoping to have letter luck next time.

And last (but not least) from 2001:

The Peter Pan club? Never. Never.

The quarterback club? I’ll pass.

The compulsive rhymers club? Okey‑dokey.

The Spanish optometrists club? Si.

The pregnancy club? That’s conceivable.

The Self‑Esteem Builders club? They probably won’t accept me.

The Agoraphobics Society? Only if they meet at my house.